Why I Don’t Love My Fiance

In 130 days I’m getting married, and a friend recently asked me why I love my fiancé. I wanted to share a deeper perspective on Amanda and I’s relationship, so before I answered why I love her, I had to first explain to him the reasons I don’t love my future bride to be.

I came to two conclusions:
First is, I don’t love Amanda for what’s on the outside. I know. It sounds cheesy, it sounds sappy. This perspective is not a novel idea by any means. How many times have you heard someone say, “I don’t love you for what’s on the outside. I love you for what’s on the inside.” But that brings me to my second conclusion.

I don’t love Amanda for what’s on the inside either.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are many things on the inside and outside that I love about Amanda. Here’s a short list.

1. On the outside, she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
2. She has soft, almond shaped brown eyes.
3. She has gorgeous, versatile hair that can be really curly sometimes and smooth and straight other times.
4. She’s a beast at make up. She does it in a way that enhances the beautiful qualities that she already has, without being too overbearing.
5. She has a smile that can light up a room and brighten anyone’s day.
6. She values health and fitness and this shows through her wonderful figure and physique.

Guys are visual creatures, and it’s refreshing to know that I have an incredibly beautiful woman that will be my wife one day.

But it doesn’t stop there because on the inside, she’s exponentially more valuable.
7. She loves God more than anything else, and her relationship with Him is what she values most.
8.She is always looking for opportunities to serve others. Last week, I had a long week at school, and when I walked into my room, she had straightened up, she was making my bed, and she greeted me with a really big hug. It doesn’t get better than that.
9. She values the importance of a positive mindset, which encourages myself and others around her during times of trials and difficulties.
10. She is someone with purpose in mind. She doesn’t want to live an ordinary life. She wants to live a life of significance, not for her own recognition but to truly spread the love of Christ and the gospel.

Amanda is awesome. Seriously. I couldn’t have asked for a better teammate.

I love these things about her, but this is not why I love her. As I said before, I neither love her for what’s on the outside, nor do I love her for what’s on the inside.

I love her because I choose to.

In 130 short days, I will be Amanda’s husband. And at that moment, I will have a big responsibility on my shoulders — to love my wife as Christ loves his church.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. 

So I thought about the love Christ has for me and the rest of His church. It’s unconditional on what I have done and it’s unconditional on what I do in the future. When I accept Christ, I’m in his family. Romans 8:38 tells me that nothing can ever separate me from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate me from God’s love.

So just as Christ loves the church unconditionally, I as a husband will have to love my wive the same.

And let’s be honest. Christ doesn’t love me for what’s on the outside and he doesn’t love me for what’s on the inside either.

Honestly I’m not good enough.

In fact, no one is good. In Luke 18:19, A ruler questioned Jesus, saying, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.”

And so if God doesn’t love me for what’s on the outside, and if I’m no good on the inside, then why does He love me?

Because He chooses to.

It’s not sexy. It’s not flashy. It’s countercultural. But God’s always choosing people. Whether it be Old Testament or New Testament, the Bible is jam packed of people that were chosen by God.

In Isaiah 43, God says “You are my witnesses,…,and my servant whom I have chosen”

In Ephesians 1, I learned He chose me “in Him before the foundation of the world.”

In John 15, Jesus says “You did not choose Me but I chose you.” 

So what my love boils down to is not Amanda’s beautiful brown eyes, Amanda’s positive mindset, or the fact that she is incredibly good looking. My love boils down to a choice to pursue a covenant relationship with her and only her. By choosing Amanda, and saying “yes” to her, I’m also saying “no” to everyone else.

My marriage vows won’t say “I’ll love you through sickness and health…as long you keep working out, and stay below this weight….and  keep your hair long….and remain gentle and genuine.”  In 30 years, Amanda and I will look different, act different, and be different than we are now at the age of 21 and 20 years old.

Things change. But my marriage vows won’t. They’re modeled after the love of Christ, and His love is unconditional.

But Michael, what if she goes crazy

What if she cuts off all her hair?

What if her heart of gold turns into a heart of stone?

Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter. I gotta love through it. When I commit to a covenant relationship in 130 days, I’m committing myself to a choice to love without conditions.

That’s how Jesus loves me.

And if you don’t know Christ, I encourage you to explore what it means to have a relationship with Him. He is the truest example of love that we have.

I love you guys, and I’ll talk to you soon.



524 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Love My Fiance

  1. This is a great blog, would you be involved in doing an interview about how you created it? If so email me! fkeedbacddad

  2. My friend came across this today and shared it with me, and it just reassured me that there’s hope. I think that you write and think wonderfully.

  3. I absloultley loved this post! This post really helped me put my pyscological views concerning marriage into complete words! “I choose to!” This phrase will be used on June 8, 2014 in four days!!!! I will commit myself to my wife because “I choose to!” I bless God for your relationship and I pray that it exceeds your expectation and that God will continue to favor your marriage and eternity ahead! God bless you too!

  4. Its refreshing to see/still believe in unconditional love (God’s love) being first and foremost in your quest/discovery of your “True” mate. To God be the glory!!! My sincerest regards for you snd Amanda. May the Lord’s continued blessings be eith you both forever!!!! I pray a man like yourself (God’s greastest creation) finds my daughter and loves her as the Lord loves us! Enjoy your lives together…always keep God first in all things! Peace

  5. yeah but all the things on the outside he named and on the inside he named is what caused him to have love for her. His only choice in the matter was to either accept it or not embrace it. You can choose to reject love or accept it but you cant choose who and what you feel love for. And all her qualities inside and out is what made him love her. this is contradicting itself. So this post is great and all but its ridiculous to suggest that you dont love her for her inside or out. Those are all things that sealed the deal ok like common now.

    • Are you not a believer? How dare you ridicule this young mans powerful statement. The point is he loves her in spite of all those other things. I pray you find that kind of love it’s a beautiful thing. God bless.

    • You’ve got a point there LaVonn but you miss out on one thing. Who she is in the inside and the outside are what ATTRACTED him to her, not why he LOVES her. It is so easy to find someone else who has soft, almond shaped brown eyes, gorgeous, versatile hair that can be really curly sometimes and smooth and straight other times.
      It is not hard to come across someone who loves God more than anything else, and one who is always looking for opportunities to serve others…they are all over. BUT he chooses to LOVE Amanda.
      The qualities attracted him to her, but they did not make him love her.

      I hope that is clear now.

      Remain blessed,

  6. What a wonderful testimony! You guys will have a lifetime of love as you keep Christ first. I agree love is a decision! Many blessings to you and the woman you found to love!

  7. “..a covenanted relationship…” This is a serious, loving, intelligent way to understand marriage. It is a covenant between two people. My family fell apart when I was just a kid because my father did not understand, and therefore, did not respect, the relationship he had entered into. Our family life became difficult beyond belief because my mother lived by her vows and my father didn’t. I applaud this young man because he is not entering a marriage for sex, money, looks, or anything superfluous. He wishes to “unite in matrimony”. If only more men and women understood, “unite” and “matrimony”. They should also imagine, as this man has, “…till death do us part…”. This is excellent marriage counseling!

  8. “Things change. But my marriage vows won’t. They’re modeled after the love of Christ, and His love is unconditional. A simple statement akin to gold.

  9. I couldn’t agree more. Having been a victim of rejection myself because someone chose not to love me. Loving someone is indeed a choice.

  10. This was so encouraging to me. Thank you for spreading Christ’s truth to others. I pray that your marriage would be a reflection of Christ’s love and would point others to Him. I pray His blessings on both of you.

  11. Loving is not about liking or wanting the inside or outside of another person, but the other way around – giving all of yourself to that person. Getting married is both a choice and a decision – your choice of a person to marry for whatever reason, and your decision to love that person unconditionally without expecting any return. Marriage is total surrender. Anything less or on the contrary could result to unhappiness or disappointment.

  12. God bless u.. and make Ur marriage a blessing … wow.. !! U have a message for the youth .. share it!

  13. Thanks!! your words was perfectly what I was looking for. I accept our challenge to explore what means to love someone like God does it.


  14. When i first saw the title i was afraid i might be reading something asking for advice to break up with his fiance, but this turned out to be something extremely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom; I hope my future husband and i could choose to love and live in God’s grace just like ya’ll~ God bless you two! Congratulations!

  15. This article has made me fall even more in love with God and given me such a refreshing view of His unfailing, unrelenting, incredibly overwhelming love for me and for His people. I am astounded at your wisdom and can see the love of Christ abounding in your life. Thank you for such a beautiful essay and I look forward to reading more.

  16. This is amazing. When my husband and I got married 6 years ago our pastor said something that changed everything for us. He asked “What is love?” our response was something untruthful about it being a feeling. To which he respectfully told us we were wrong. The continued in to this “Love is not a feeling. You don’t feel love. It is a choice. Whenever you say ‘I love you’ you’re saying that you promise to do all you can to protect and take care of that person. Including lay down your own life.” These words have stayed with me for all 6 years of our marriage. There are days that all we do is fight but we never stop loving eachother because we made the choice to love from the very begining and that will never change.

  17. Pingback: The Biggest Lesson I Learned While Being Engaged | Michael 101

  18. Pingback: Why I Don’t Love My Fiance | BLUNTLY SPOKEN

  19. Pingback: » Define Love

  20. I needed this after 30 years of marriage. I need to self- reflect upon renewing that choice. Many “outside” things have changed and many attitudes and understanding of the “inside” things, as well. Thinking of the choice, however, is an effective reminder of holding fast to vows and carrying our minor crosses. Excellent essay. By mind count you are closing in on 30 days of marriage. Hope it has been joyful!

  21. Pingback: Why I Don’t Love My Fiance | diamydotme

  22. Marriage really is easier, happier, and healthier with this mindset. My husband and I got married two years ago when we were both 20. Sure, our marriage has only just begun, but we’ve come so, so far from the relationship we had on our wedding day. We dated 8 months, were engaged for 2 weeks; we rushed each other out of insecurity. Our relationship was mutually abusive, and we constantly fought about everything we’d ever done to hurt each other; we tore each other down daily, mentally and physically. I was so fed up by 6 months, I was already planning my move home, until I realized something; we were both absolutely terrified. I decided then, that I would never stop loving him. After our very last, real fight, I hugged him tight, and I told him that if he was ever unsure about me, himself, his/my feelings, or anything external, all he had to do was talk to me. I assured him that no matter what, I would listen and I would help him, love him. Since that day, there has been no aggression and no lashing out. Our marriage almost ended that day, and many times before, but as long as that man loves me, I will love him. The past hurts are nothing, forgiveness and honesty rule in our relationship. All those nights of fear and pain were ended when God answered my nightly prayer; help us love each other enough to let these hurts go. I made the decision to marry a man I knew was damaged, and watching him heal a little more every day brings me so much joy. I know my comment is long, but the survival of my marriage is the greatest miracle I have ever experienced. Whether your marriage is bad or good, choosing love every morning and after every fight is the best thing you can do.

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